So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.
The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.
