We are responsible for what we hear other people say and for how we act.
Empathy before education.
Classifying and judging people promotes violence.
NVC suggests behind every action, however ineffective, tragic, violent, or abhorrent to us, is an attempt to meet a need.
All moralistic judgments, whether positive or negative, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.
To practice NVC, it's critical for me to be able to slow down, take my time, to come from an energy I choose, the one I believe that we were meant to come from, not the one I was programmed into.
Be very slow to go into looking for solutions.
Natural Giving: Anything we do in life which is not out of that energy, we pay for and everybody else pays for. Anything we do to avoid punishment, everybody pays for. Everything we do for a reward, everybody pays for. Everything we do to make people like us, everybody pays for. Everything we do out of guilt, shame, duty, or obligation, everybody pays for.
Don't get addicted to your requests. Your objective is needs, not requests. Because then it becomes a demand.
If we wish to express anger fully, the first step is to divorce the other person from any responsibility for our anger.
Every message, regardless of form or content, is an expression of a need.
NVC enhances inner communication by helping us translate negative internal messages into feelings and needs. Our ability to distinguish our own feelings and needs and to empathize with them can free us from depression.
We can't win at somebody else's expense. We can only fully be satisfied when the other person's needs are fulfilled as well as our own.
Fix-it jackals can't wait to fix it, because they don't know how to enjoy pain. And until you learn how to enjoy pain, you can't enjoy intimacy.
Learning is too precious to be motivated by coercive tactics.
We are compassionate with ourselves when we are able to embrace all parts of ourselves and recognize the needs and values expressed by each part.
I never have to worry about another person's response, only how I react to what they say.
Never question the beauty of what you are saying because someone reacts with pain, judgment, criticism. It just means they have not heard you.
We can never make anyone do anything against their will without enormous consequences.
Any evaluation which implies rightness or wrongness is a tragic, suicidal expression of an unmet need. Tragic, first because it decreases our likelihood of getting our need met! Even if we think it. And secondly, because it increases the likelihood of violence. That's why I'm suggesting any evaluation which implies rightness or wrongness is a tragic, suicidal expression of an unmet need. Say the need! Learn a need-consciousness.
Keep in mind that other people's actions can never 'make' you feel any certain way. Feelings are your warning indicators.
Always hear the 'Yes' in the 'No'.
We never really know what we want until after we get it. If after we get it, it makes life more miserable, we know that isn't what we wanted. If it makes our life wonderful, we know this is a strategy which will meet out need. That's why Paul Tillich, the theologian says we need to sin courageously. You ask for what you want, hoping to meet your needs. If you get it and it makes life worse, you learn that this isn't what I want.
Anger, depression, guilt, and shame are the product of the thinking that is at the base of violence on our planet.
There are the two main reasons we don't get our needs met. First, we don't know how to express our needs to begin with and second if we do, we forget to put a clear request after it, or we use vague words like appreciate, listen, recognize, know, be real, and stuff like that.
