Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events; they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.
The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".
It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"
What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
