Mitch Hedberg Quotes about Funny - Page 2

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets."

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.'

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.

Why are there no "during" pictures?