I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.
Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."
I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
