Robert Orben Quotes - Page 2

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.

Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.

These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.

Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!

Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.

I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.

Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.

I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.

Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.

Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.