Robert Orben Quotes - Page 4

I don't want to say anything about my kids...but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.

A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.

To exercise is human; not to is divine.

Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must be done quickly. Actually, it is much easier to write this humor than to do a joke or a show from scratch, because the audience knows the plot. Just mention what is going on and then deliver the punch line.

There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.

All that means is that something devastating can happen to you today or to your family & all you can do is cry about it or panic or just be grief-stricken about it; but a year or two from now or maybe ten years from now, or maybe two months or two days, you might be able to see the humor in that problem.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke.

I'd like to say a few words about one of the most popular concepts in the modern education--show and tell. Show and Tell is a device created by grammar schools to communicate family secrets to 32 other families before 9:15 am in the morning.

Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?

If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?

If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.

It may be the way the cookie crumbles on Madison Avenue, but in Hong Kong its the way the egg rolls.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!