I don't really want to hang out with politicians. I'd rather go straight to hell, and not collect $200.
Husbands are never happy. My husband asked me for more space, so I locked him out of the house.
I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.
Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would not be lonely. It would be exciting never having to listen to another person again but just my own self droning on and on. That's why I write a blog. And I read it, too.
Adults in a free country should be able to smoke a joint if they want to.
I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.
My kids were completely out of control, while I was working fifteen hours a day plus weekends. I screamed a lot, something I'm not particularly proud of, but it was that or firearms.
I'm fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say 'Fine - how was your lobotomy?'
Pot enables you to think clearly without any fear or any limits. It's a mind-expander, which is part of why it's illegal and why drugs like Vicodin are legal.
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?
Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.
Eat as much as you'd like. My philosophy has always been that all women desire to be as fat as myself but just have a great fear of doing so. Because they think they won't get any men, but you will. You'll get more men, and better men.
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.
I'm enjoying my life, post-menopause, so much. It's just so great to grow into yourself, and not be bothered with all that tyranny of biology.
Your body is your instrument, you play it expertly.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.
Most of the books call Her a He, but I am able to ascertain what is meant, despite that semantic error.
Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?
There isn't any New Man. The New Man is the old man, only he whines more.
Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.
I'm either mentally ill or Jewish. I can't sometimes tell the difference.
