Spike Milligan Quotes - Page 2

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.

In the human race today, you came last.

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

God made nightButMan made darkness.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

I have got so low that I have asked to be hospitalized and for deep narcosis (sleep). I cannot stand being awake. The pain is too much... Something has happened to me, this vital spark has stopped burning - I go to a dinner table now and I don't say a word, just sit there like a dodo. Normally I am the centre of attention, keeps the conversation going, - so that is depressing in itself. It's like another person taking over, very strange. The most important thing I say is 'good evening' and then I go quiet.

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

Its all in the mind, you know.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

If a robin redbreast in a cage Puts all heaven in a rage, How feels heaven when Dies the billionth battery hen?

Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

If you kill me, I promise you - you will never take me alive.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

If I don't eat soon, I'll die of hunger; and if I die, I won't eat soon.