If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.
Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together.
Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot."
Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.
A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.
To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.
If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.
You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.
Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
The greatest missile in the world is useless ... unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids--for everyone, even if you fail at first--to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.
If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you've made, let's be fair, that means you've got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you've done. It's okay to say, "God, I wish I'd done this; yeah, but I did do that." Then it kind of balances out.
All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
Now the denominator ... why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator ... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it? [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction!
Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.
Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don't want to do.
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.
