Funny Marriage Quotes - Page 2

I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that sh*t for free.'

According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don't worry, lonely women, you'll be dead soon.

Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising.

It is now well known, however, that men enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.

I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry.

An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.

If he's getting married, he's not longer interesting.

Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God.

I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.

Equal partnerships are not made in heaven-they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one threshold crossing at a time.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

The only duration of family life that satisfies the loftiest longings of the human soul is forever.

Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the condition clears up.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.

And no bathroom on earth will make up for marrying a bearded man you hate.

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.

One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride.

Marriage is like retiring as a bachelor and getting a sexual pension. You don't have to work for the sex any more, but you only get 65% as much.

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'

Marriage is a very good thing, but I think it's a mistake to make a habit out of it.

Tomorrow, Trubshawe, I am going to get married again, thereby quite possibly making the greatest mistake of my life.