Humorous Quotes - Page 35

I observe the physician with the same diligence as the disease.

We're wanted men, we'll strike again, but first let's have a beer.

There is a great deal of advertising that is much better than the product. When that happens, all that the good advertising will do is put you out of business faster.

The Opera is obviously the first draft of a fine spectacle; it suggests the idea of one.

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Any place I hang my head is home.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

There is nothing the matter with Americans except their ideals. The real American is all right; it is the ideal American who is all wrong.

Long before the word Zionism was uttered for the first time, old religious Jews came from all over the world to die in Jerusalem. It is the finest place to die in - it has always been acknowledged. It has a joie de mourir quite its own.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

I can prove anything by statistics except the truth.

A doctor's reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care.

There is absolutely nothing humorous at the Masters. Here, small dogs do not bark and babies do not cry.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

Mr. Gorbachev has apparently stumbled onto one of the best-kept secrets in recent Soviet history: Communism doesn't work.

I would like to be able to admire a man's opinions as I would his dog - without being expected to take it home with me.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.

Keep your tax-cutting, greedy hands off our medicare

America is not only big and rich, it is mysterious; and its capacity for the humorous or ironical concealment of its interests matches that of the legendary inscrutable Chinese.