Humorous Quotes - Page 32

If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

There are more old drunkards than old physicians.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

I decided to stop drinking with creeps. I decided to drink only with friends. I've lost 30 pounds.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I love the very exposed, humorous, imperfect, never-trying to-pretend-to-be-perfect journey that I have been on in my life.

Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?

We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.

Mousse was a Labrador retriever, which is a large enthusiastic bulletproof species of dog made entirely from synthetic materials. This is the kind of dog that, if it takes an interest in your personal regions (which of course it does) you cannot fend it off with a blowtorch.

Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.

An emotional man may possess no humor, but a humorous man usually has deep pockets of emotion, sometimes tucked away or forgotten.

Spending all my remaining money on a ticket to Florence was rendered needlessly complicated by the fact that none of the ticket-sellers had ever heard of the place. At last their supervisor showed up and set them straight by informing them that the city they had always referred to as 'Firenze' was in reality called Florence.

Like most people who smoked umpteen cigarettes a day, I tasted only the first one. The succeeding umpteen minus one were a compulsive ritual which had no greater savour than the fumes of burning money.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

... I had a latent impression that there was something decidedly fine in Mr. Wopsle's elocution - not for old associations' sake, I am afraid, but because it was very slow, very dreary, very up-hill and down-hill, and very unlike any way in which any man in any natural circumstances of life or death ever expressed himself about anything.

I was always treated as if I had insisted on being born, in opposition to the dictates of reason, religion, and morality, and against the dissuadinig arguments of my best friends.

What do you take me for, an idiot?

Okay everybody, line up in alphabetical order according to your height.

It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.