Humorous Quotes - Page 37

I promised myself that if ever I had some money that I would savor a cigar each day after lunch and dinner. This is the only resolution of my youth that I have kept, and the only realized ambition which has not brought disillusion.

It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.

They say that Nero started the fire himself because he needed a suitable backdrop for his concert.

I must admit that I do have a particular soft spot for the character of the chameleon-trickster goddess Ris in Dreams of the Compass Rose. Ris has gone through the whole spectrum of personal change and has had the longest road of all. And in the end she chooses to come back to the world, to guide, and to help, and to open the eyes of those who are suffering. In that is her true strength and humorous wisdom. I really do like her a whole lot.

One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.

Nicknames stick to people, and the most ridiculous are the most adhesive.

"It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever" he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?"

I've always tried to explore the humorous aspects of life.

We don't have a monopoly. We have market share. There's a difference.

An exotic and irrational entertainment.

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.

Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] "Check the diapers. They're full."

Grove giveth and Gates taketh away.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

Nothing like watching your relatives fight, I always say.

['Dad's Army' show]was a military thing but also very funny, so it's kind of the two things that I experienced by being a soldier, and I found it very humorous then and there, because of the juxtapositions [and] me and my emotional state.

There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.

When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.

I don't think women's prisons are environments for dance routines, and I don't think mass murder is humorous.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners.

Many of the things that stifle growth are morally neutral. They're not bad things. Facebook is not bad. Television and movies are not bad. I enjoy TV, but it doesn't take long for me to begin to find humorous on TV what the Lord finds heartbreaking.

The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French. The humorous story depends for its effect upon the manner of the telling;the comic and the witty story upon the matter.

I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.