Humorous Quotes - Page 38

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world and it's efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read-

To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.

I miss New York. I still love how people talk to you on the street - just assault you and tell you what they think of your jacket.

In matters of religion and matrimony I never give any advice; because I will not have anybody's torments in this world or the next laid to my charge.

In my mind, there is nothing so illiberal, and so ill-bred, as audible laughter.

Well, it may be humorous to you, but it’s a very serious matter to the squirrels.

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.

The beaver, which has come to represent Canada as the eagle does the United States and the lion Britain, is a flat-tailed, slow-witted, toothy rodent known to bite off it's own testicles or to stand under its own falling trees.

Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?

The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them.

Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.

Cultivate a sense of humour. From a humorous point of view this lunch is rather good.

Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us, ZORAC announced after a short pause. The designs are not familiar, but they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious.

Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all time low over the world.

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour: he will always use it in evidence against you.

Life's too short for chess.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.

God is a Republican, and Santa Claus is a Democrat.

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

Never have children, only grandchildren.