Humorous Quotes - Page 51

In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

You'd be amazed how much research you can get done when you have no life whatsoever.

The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.

I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.

If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.

There is a feeling which persists in England that making a sandwich interesting, attractive, or in any way pleasant to eat is something sinful that only foreigners do.

The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying "Roman Ruins" and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar.

... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."

Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called "Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You."

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.

English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.

Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer.

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.

In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.

The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.

Everything serious that he says is a joke and everything humorous that he says is dead serious.

This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone's faith; however, if one's faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do.

I write poems for children to help them celebrate the joy and wonder of their world and to look at their lives from the inside out. I write humorous poems to tickle the funny bone of their imaginations.

He appeared to enjoy beyond everything the sound of his own voice. I couldn't wonder at that, for it was mellow and full and gave great importance to every word he uttered. He listened to himself with obvious satisfaction and sometimes gently beat time to his own music with his head or rounded a sentence with his hand.

A man can well afford to be as bold as brass, my good fellow, when he gets gold in exchange!