Humorous Quotes - Page 49

Indeed, it may be laid down as a general principle, that the more extended the ancestry, the greater the amount of violence and vagabondism; for in ancient days those two amusements, combining a wholesome excitement with a promising means of repairing shattered fortunes, were at once the ennobling pursuit and the healthful recreation of the Quality of this land.

It being a part of Mrs. Pipchin's system not to encourage a child's mind to develop and expand itself like a young flower, but to open it by force like an oyster.

You've reached Fantasia, where the undead live again every night," "For bar hours, press one. To make a party reservation, press two. To talk to alive person or a dead vampire, press three. Or, if you were intending to leave a humorous prank message on our answering machine, know this: we will find you.

Reinforce what you want to see repeated.What gets rewarded gets done.

Manage by objectives. Tell people exactly what you want them to do and then get out of their way.

A gentleman need not know Latin, but he should at least have forgotten it.

Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?

America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.

Mary's mouth cost her nothing for she never opens it but at others' expense.

The poor have little; beggars, none; the rich, too much; enough, not one.

The tongue offends and the ears get the cuffing

Brothers are a blessing for one thing. There is no possibility of any young lady getting unreasonably conceited if she be endowed with them.

Character doesn't matter.

Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?

Angels we have heard on High Tell us to go out and Buy.

I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)

Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.

No. Now, shut up and eat your pears.

I'll grant the random access to my heart, Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove And in our bound partition never part.

Cancel me not - for what then shall remain? Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, A root or two, a torus and a node: The inverse of my verse, a null domain.

Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Now you can't even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're going to go..."All right! Give me the plane or the b*tch loses her cuticle." ?

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.