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Dave Barry Quotes

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

God, Stupid, Abuse

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Education, Trying, Ark

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

God, Jobs, Laughing

Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.

Yummy, Hands, Years

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.60, Ballantine Books

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

Science, Technology, Teeth

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry in Cyberspace”, p.39, Ballantine Books

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club

Country, Night, Fire

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Turns Forty”, p.124, Ballantine Books

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

Coffee, Views, Espresso

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.126, Ballantine Books

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Cute, Birthday, Teenage

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Inspirational, Balance, Matter

Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

Inspirational, Funny, Life

I realize that there are certain hardships that only females must endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines for public-restroom stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession with shoe color. Also, females tend to reach emotional maturity very quickly, so that by age 7 they are no longer capable of seeing the humor in loud inadvertent public blasts of flatulence, whereas males can continue to derive vast enjoyment from this well into their 80s.

Emotional, Maturity, Shoes

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Leadership, Business, Crazy

Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

Inspirational, Children, Perfect Parents

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Inspirational, Motivational, Respect

Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

God, Writing, Stupidity

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

Life And Love, Business, Humor

Dave Barry (1999). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Random House Digital, Inc.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

God, Swimming, Whales

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

Dog, Tape, Fundamentals

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

Inspirational, Birthday, Believe

The objective is not so much to walk your dog, as it is to empty him.

Dog, Empty, Walks

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.

Laughter, Anxiety, World

"Dave Barry Elegy for the humorist" by Bryan Curtis, www.slate.com. January 12, 2005.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Religious, Views, People

Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.

Powerful, Government, Enemy

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

Atheist, Humanity, Religion

Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

If you look at photos of the Gettysburg Address there's a guy off to the right who I think is Keith Richards.

Thinking, Guy, Looks

Source: www.bostonglobe.com

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