Bill Hicks Quotes - Page 10

Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes--are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God!

Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! ... That's the story of Jesus.

How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.

Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.

I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.

I've been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately.

What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?

We'll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God - I am killing me!

I'm just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth.

Will there be titty? Sure. Boom! I'm a producer. Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood.

I'm totally confused about what I'm going to do with my life.

I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said 'dirt for sale'... what a great country we live in. DIRT for sale. How would you like to get inside that guy's mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he?

I was in Australia....Lotta leg room down under. Apartments: dollar a month. 2000-acre den....think of the parties.

Billy Ray Cyrus does not smoke. Michael Bolton doesn't...Paula Abdul doesn't...there does seem to be a pattern.

Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years.

Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that.

No one knows what it's like ... to be a dustbin ... in Shaftesbury ... with hooligans.

'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style.

That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually...I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one.

Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.

Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage.

I don't know what you all believe, and I don't really care ... but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks ... you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man.

I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes]

In Australia...they celebrate Easter the same...by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit...left chocolate eggs in the night