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Bill Maher Quotes - Page 3

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That's what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell 'AK-47!' and a lady yelled, 'Bingo!'

That's what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell 'AK-47!' and a lady yelled, 'Bingo!'

Gun, Ak 47, Nuts

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?

Jesus, Names, Agnostic

The Founding Fathers were more deists. If you had to categorize them as anything. There was some sort of moving prime force. But it's an impersonal force. Some people call it Nature. Certainly not this personal god who you have a personal relationship with, who listens to your prayers and answers them, or doesn't. You know, not the silly stuff that most Americans believe because we're such a dumb nation.

Prayer, Father, Believe

"Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we’re Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there’s no stopping us until we’re licking stray bits of powdered cheese off the carpet. So stop trying to give us nutritional information based on a fraction of the package. It assumes a talent for two things that we’re really not capable of: restraint and math.

Mean, Math, Two

Bill Maher (2011). “The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass”, p.196, Penguin

If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.

Children, Crazy, Responsibility

"Attacking the Pope". "Real Time With Bill Maher", www.foxnews.com. April 16, 2008.

Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn't know a game is going on?

Sports, Hunting, Games

"Video: Bill Maher and Top Comedians ‘Stand Up for Animals’". www.peta.org. June 15, 2014.

Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in 'Dancing with the Stars.'

Stars, Dancing, Popularity

Sam Harris made that great analogy. He said, 'If someone was talking into their hair dryer and claiming that they were speaking to God, they would call Bellevue. But, take away the hair dryer, it's just praying.'

Hair, Talking, Analogies

Karl Rove thinks we shouldn’t have Hillary Clinton in the White House because she fell and hit her head a couple years ago, spent three days in the hospital, and maybe she has brain damage. You know, I don’t recall the Republicans being this concerned with mental fitness during the years when Reagan was talking to house plants in the White House.

Couple, Thinking, Talking

Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It's kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald's and not eat the fries on the way home.

Home, Government, Mcdonalds

Stop saying athletes do it for the love of the game. They do it for the love of their 32-room mansion with the live shark tank in the living room. If pro sports paid minimum wage, Shaquille O'Neal would be a bouncer at Scores, and Anna Kournikova would be a mail-order bride from Minsk.

Inspirational, Sports, Athlete

Bill Maher (2006). “New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer”, p.153, Rodale

The idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus is a bunch of bullshit. Treat her like you would a friend, and you'll wind up with a lover.

Men, Wind, Ideas

There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.

Funny, Jesus, Atheist

I find it ironic that Republicans have such disdain for the lazy, and yet their solution to every problem is do nothing. Their answer to wealth inequality, do nothing. Health care? Do nothing. Climate change? Nothing. Racism? Doesn’t exist. For a group of people so head over heels in love with self-reliance, they sure do recommend a lot of sitting on their ass.

Self, Racism, People

The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key deciscions made by religious people. By irrationalists. By those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken.

Religious, Reading, Keys

"Religulous". www.imdb.com. 2008.

I always say people would rather be nice than right. I like to be nice too, but come on. People frequently ask me, what is my definition of politically correct. My answer is always the same: the elevation of sensitivity over truth. People would rather be nice than right, rather be sensitive than true. Well, being nice and sensitive are important, but they're not more important than being right; they're not more important than the truth.

Nice, People, Important

Guns aren't just a tool of last resort. They're awesome. That's why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with them. You guys aren't just firearm enthusiasts — you're ammosexuals. And before you try and deny you have some sort of unnatural romantic relationship with your gun, consider this. You're taking it out to dinner! Because it completes you. Get a room.

Gun, Names, People

Down in Texas, Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said 'I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortions to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.' I think that's what he said, he was chewing a crayon.

Running, Thinking, Back Alleys

If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.

Jesus, War, Believe

"HBO Real Time" with Bill Maher, votesmart.org. March 31, 2006.

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.

Funny, Mean, Marijuana

Republicans stand by their convictions. Stupid, ignorant, world-destroying convictions based on disproven economic fantasies and ancient books full of primitive morality and magic people. But convictions, nonetheless.

Stupid, Book, People

Bill Maher (2011). “The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass”, p.238, Penguin

You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money.

Lunch, Missing, Watches

FaceBook post by Bill Maher from Apr 05, 2011

What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don't call him stupid because they don't agree with you politically.

Stupid, Believe, Love You

Source: www.foxnews.com

Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it's sexy but one thing that men never think is, "Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read."

Sexy, Men, Thinking

Idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. And atheism is… precisely not that. Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position

Sex, Atheism, Belief

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