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Bill Maher Quotes - Page 6

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I don't believe in a lot of things from the Bronze Age, but an eye for an eye does make a sort of symmetrical sense to me. I really believe that if somebody takes a life, that [death penalty] is what they should get. I

I don't believe in a lot of things from the Bronze Age, but an eye for an eye does make a sort of symmetrical sense to me. I really believe that if somebody takes a life, that [death penalty] is what they should get. I also think it's a lot more humane than keeping people in a cage for the rest of their life.

Believe, Eye, Thinking

Interview with Elizabeth Gettelman, www.motherjones.com. September/October 2008.

You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.

Trying, Want, Causes

Bill Maher (2006). “New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer”, p.68, Rodale

Talk to women who've ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.

Men, Results

"Bill Maher's Muslim problem" by Dean Obeidallah, www.cnn.com. October 7, 2014.

Some people think I enjoy debate. I don't. I wish everyone agreed with me; it would save a lot of time.

Thinking, People, Wish

To those people who say, 'My father is alive because of animal experimentation,' I say, 'Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.' Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.

Dog, Sorry, Father

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

Funny, Humor, Cowboy

I'm for the death penalty, I'm pro-abortion, I'm pro-assisted suicide, I'm pro-regular suicide. Anything that'll get the traffic moving.

Suicide, Moving, Abortion

In Washington, the air quality today was described as 'red.'...You know what 'red' is? It's bad for everyone. Not just old people, sick people and babies. When it's just bad for old people, sick people and babies, that's called a Republican budget.

Baby, Air, People

The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'

Phones, Color, White

Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she's demanding that we invade 'Tsunami.'

Japan, Palin, Heard

"Bill Maher Calls Sarah Palin a Female Vulgarism, NOW Stays Mum" by Hollie McKay, www.foxnews.com. March 22, 2011.

Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.

Government, Years, Two

"Bill Maher: 'The Israelis Are Controlling Our Government'". "Real Time" with Bill Maher, www.realclearpolitics.com. February 16, 2013.

The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It's like a septic tank saying, 'You need a mint.'

Crazy, Kids, Gun

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Funny, Witty, Humorous

Bill Maher (2002). “When You Ride Alone You Ride with Bin Laden: What the Government Should be Telling Us to Help Fight the War on Terrorism”, Phoenix Books Incorporated

Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.

People, News, Departure

During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn't have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Gratitude, Coffee, Book

Death is nature's way of killing you.

Way, Killing

I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?

Dog, Jobs, Animal

"Bill Maher: I'm Swiss", 2005.

New Rule: Since our new national position on science is, "Screw it, we prefer witchcraft," let's not just retire the Space Shuttle Atlantis. Let's drive it to one of the five stupidest States and have the locals beat it with sticks. Putting it in a museum is too dangerous. Someone could steal it, fly it into space and notice we revolve around the sun.

Museums, Space, Atlantis

Bill Maher (2011). “The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass”, p.162, Penguin

Please stop assuming that longevity and perfect health is always the correct option. No. Sometimes fun costs ya. It just does, you know? And that's OK, you're willing to make that purchase. Sammy Davis, Jr. was 64 when he died. Give me 64 Sammy-years, I'll be happy.

Fun, Years, Perfect

"Bill Maher: Be More Cynical". Comedy, 2000.

F. Scott Fitzgerald has an indespensible quote: 'The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at once and still retain the ability to function'. Or, as I like to call it, 'O.J. killed his wife, and the police are corrupt.'

Ideas, Two, Wife

Bill Maher (2003). “When You Ride Alone You Ride with Bin Laden: What the Government Should Be Telling Us to Help Fight the War on Terrorism”, New Millenium

Attorney General John Ashcroft is in intensive care. He's suffering from a severe case of pancreatitis, which they can't really figure out because he's not really a drinker. They think he might have picked up some type of infection while wiping his ass with the Bill of Rights.

Thinking, Rights, Suffering

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

Thinking, Punishment, Justice

North Carolina right now is going apeshit in a way no state ever has. Take every crazy, angry idea your drunk, right-wing uncle mumbles at Thanksgiving, turn it into a law, and that’s North Carolina today.

Uncles, Crazy, Law

Russia has banned all adoptions to Americans. So, if you were hoping to get a little white kid with fetal alcohol syndrome, you're going to have to wait until Lindsay Lohan reproduces.

Kids, Russia, White

In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things. But if you want to make good people do wicked things, you need them to be religious.

Religious, Average, People

Source: www.avclub.com

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