Craig Ferguson Quotes - Page 4

Whoever I had become had to die.

People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.

I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids

It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.

I am probably a pseudo-intellectual.

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.

They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.

They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.

From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.

I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.

There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, Yes! And people in San Francisco are like, Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you.

I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.

I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

In some countries Women's Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women's Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell.