Dana Gould Quotes - Page 6

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.