If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.
In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.
A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.
Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.
There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.
If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.
I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.
