Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.
The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.
Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.
Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.
Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?
What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.
If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?
I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.
