Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!
There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.
Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.
Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.
My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.
The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.
New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
Corn is the only food you hold like corn.
