Daniel Tosh Quotes - Page 2

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.

Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them is out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? If there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together - this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference. At that level it's art, you monkey. You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods.

It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

I think it's kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that's stealing. Wow talk about ironic.

Describe your perfect man who looks like me.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.