Daniel Tosh Quotes - Page 3

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

Comedy Central wanted to do a show with me, I had a couple failures under my belt with them already, but they still wanted to try something else. They came to me and said they wanted to do something that was internet focused and created original content on their site, so they could compete with the funny or dies and what not. So that was the premise, and they gave us a small amount of money, $5000, and from there it turned into the show.

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.