Dave Attell Quotes - Page 3

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.

Being on the road is kind of lonely.

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.