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Jay Leno Quotes - Page 9

All Quotes Age Apology Beach Blame Cheating Children Clinton College Comedy Cooking Country Dad Dating Divorce Earth Easter Eating Economy Energy Fighting Food Football Friday Fun Funny Genius Giving Giving Up Global Warming Golf Halloween Hate Healthcare Heart Hell Holiday Home House Hurt Husband Inspirational John Kerry Justice Liberty Life Listening Los Angeles Losing Lying Math Military Money Morning Mountain New Year Office Osama Bin Laden Palin Past Politics Prayer Reality Running Safety School Sleep Smoking Son Sports Students Suffering Taliban Taxes Team Terrorism Today Training Vacation Victory Waiting Wall War Water Wife Winning Work Out Worry Writing

CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.

CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.

War, Iraq, Cnn

The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry.

Rap, Men, News

Folks, we're starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan.

New York, Men, Names

Contact with the customer is what business is all about.

Contact, Customers

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.

Iraq, Support, Today

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada."

Running, Canada, Courses

"The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno, June 24, 2005.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Smile, Mothers Day, Mom

That must be strange, cheating on your wife with a flight attendant. They're in bed and she's says, 'In the event that wife should come home early please notice the location of the nearest emergency exit.'

Cheating, Home, Wife

Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet.

Iraq, Medicine, Cnn

The Senate voted 97-0 for an anti-spam bill to stop those annoying things you get on your computer. The senators made it very clear that when you start misleading the American people and start taking their money over false promises, that's our turf, buddy!

People, Political, Promise

Heating bills this winter are the highest they've been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It's called global warming.

Winter, Years, President

President Bush said global warming is happening much quicker than he thought, and then his staff pulled him aside and said 'It's just springtime.'

President, Springtime, Global Warming

I don’t like goodbyes, NBC does.

Goodbye, Nbc, Doe

Howard Dean announced today he will campaign in seven states. The states are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, and Delirium. Yeeeeaaaah!

Agitation, Campaigns, Fever

Did you hear about the dog that was so high-strung, he developed a nervous tick?

Dog, Nervous, Tick

Jay Leno (2007). “Jay Leno's How to Be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World (or Just in Your”, p.28, Simon and Schuster

You know, it shows how old I am. I can remember the good old days when the president picked the Supreme Court justices instead of the other way around.

Justice, President, Way

America needs ObamaCare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

Halloween, Obamacare, America

President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida.

Strong, Believe, Florida

Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.

Lying, Today Is The Day, Differences

"The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno, February 19, 2007.

The Senate is now considering increasing government subsidies for corn growers to produce more ethanol. If we produce enough ethanol we can postpone our next invasion of a Middle Eastern country for two to three years.

Country, Fun, Government

Rick Perry unveiled his new tax plan. He says he wants a flat tax. He believes that tax should be flat, just like the earth.

Believe, Earth, Want

Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.

Running, Sleep, Thinking

I flew this past weekend. I went through airport security and said to the guy, 'Is everything okay?' He said, 'You might want to have that mole on your ass checked out.' That seems a little personal to me.

Weekend, Past, Airports

Comedy is the only profession where love from a stranger is better than love from a family member. You need to perform for strangers to see if you're really funny. If they laugh and cheer, it's the greatest thing in the world.

Cheer, Laughing, Needs

Jay Leno (2007). “Jay Leno's How to Be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World (or Just in Your”, p.9, Simon and Schuster

Anybody who gives their car to a valet isn't a car guy

Giving, Car, Guy

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