Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns.
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence ... and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser.
Today, President Barack Obama promised to 'detect and pursue' American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders.
My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?
John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'
President Bush called Arnold to congratulate him today, and after he got off the phone, Arnold said, 'I thought my English was bad.'
Today the United States has admitted that after months and months of searching, we still have no idea where Osama bin Laden is. Osama bin Laden? We can't even find Kenneth Lay.
The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt.
Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can't claim his voice wasn't heard.
President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again.
That American Taliban kid Johnny Walker was indicted today. Ten counts of terrorism. He could get 5 life sentences. In Taliban terms, that's 360 virgins.
How many have seen that Osama bin Laden footage? Pretty scary. In fact, today, NBC ordered 13 more episodes.
As you know, today was Don't Take Your Illegal Immigrant To Work Day here in Los Angeles. No, all across the nation they had a Day Without Immigrants, is what they call it. Or, as Native Americans call it, the good ol' days.
The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from Iraq. Well Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler from France.
Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, 'No, I'm keeping him on the ticket.'
Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess.
There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.
Today the Secretary of State said that of the 247 candidates, so far 115 of them have been certified. How embarrassing is that? Imagine if you were turned down because you didn't meet the high standards set by Larry Flynt and Gallagher.
