Josh Billings Quotes about Funny

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.

The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.

Laughter is the fireworks of the soul.

Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.

As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.

Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

Advice is like castor oil — easy enough to give but dreadful hard to take.

Life is short, but it's long enough to ruin any man who wants to be ruined.

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it, as the old woman did her lost spectacles, safe on her own nose all the time.

Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit.

You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

The happiest time in any man's life is when he is in red-hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it.

It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient.

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland.

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.

I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money.

When a young man begins to go down hill everything seems to be greased for the occasion.