Les Dawson Quotes - Page 2

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

Slumps don't bother me.