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Lewis Black Quotes about Funny - Page 2

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You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and

You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.

Lewis Black
Inspirational, Funny, Travel

Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.

Lewis Black
Funny, Humor, Effort
Lewis Black (2005). “Nothing's Sacred”, p.147, Simon and Schuster

It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, and the blizzard would hit again!

Lewis Black
Funny, Home, Humor
"Black on Broadway". Documentary, Comedy, May 15, 2004.

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

Lewis Black
Funny, Sweet, Believe
Lewis Black (2005). “Nothing's Sacred”, p.13, Simon and Schuster

People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER!

Lewis Black
Funny, Nice, Humor
"The White Album". Comedy album, 2000.

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

Lewis Black
Funny, Believe, Humor

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

Lewis Black
Funny, Hurt, Halloween
"The Carnegie Hall Performance". Comedy album, 2006.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

Lewis Black
Funny, Humor, Swimming
"Last Laugh '05". Comedy, Music, 2005.

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

Lewis Black
Funny, Book, Humor
"Nothing's Sacred". Book by Lewis Black, 2005.

I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather... I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.

Lewis Black
Funny, Humor, Airports

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