Mitch Hedberg Quotes - Page 3

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!

Why are there no "during" pictures?

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.