Stephen Colbert Quotes - Page 11

Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.

If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.

If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate

I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.

I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them.

You may learn sooner than most generations the hard lesson that you must always make the path for yourself...There is no secret society out there that will tap you on your shoulder one night and show you the way.

It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

Last night, we did the Threatdown -- God, it's hard to even talk about this -- and for the first time, I didn't mention bears. It's winter, they're asleep, I didn't think it would be a problem. But today I see this in the Toronto Globe and Mail -- apparently a 700-pound polar bear showed up at a children's hockey game. I've said this before, they're after our kids -- they're tender, juicy, you don't even have to throw away the bones.

Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. That's why I never apologize to my mirror.

If I ever succumbed to the demon on my shoulder going, "You should get something special because you're famous," that is the moment that my behavior will be caught on social media for all time. I'm even afraid to use it to get a reservation. This is the person who will tweet, "Can you believe what this a-hole did?"

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.

The most common thing that real reporters say to me is, "I wish I could say what you say." What I don't understand is, why can't they say what I say, even in their own way? Does that mean they want to be able to name certain bald contradictions or hypocrisies that politicians have?

My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'

Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.

If you're a perfectionist and you know you're about to do something at which you cannot be perfect, then that is daunting because you know what your heart is like and the way you approach your work.

(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock

In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.

You can't swallow and think about your tongue. If you think about your tongue, you've got a giant piece of meat in your mouth and that's a terrible feeling.

We're not talking about truth, we're talking about something that seems like truth - the truth we want to exist.

I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.

You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument.

What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.

John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.