Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.
John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody's compensating for his small government.
Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don't need to care about science, literature or peace.
North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'
A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust.
Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.
Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.
Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me!
I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black 'at' people. I didn't just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet.
If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.
The Yankees' Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees.
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.
If I thought I knew what was going to happen, it wouldn't be worth doing. The challenge is how joyfully, with what sense of fun and adventure and playfulness, we will greet it. We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?
If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids.
There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.
You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.
Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.
On this show, your voice will be heard in the form of my voice.
Shamelessness is a wonderful part of the character.
Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.
The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.
I'm off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely.
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.
