Stephen Colbert Quotes - Page 9

You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.

Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.

No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world.

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California's Canada, Oregon.

One day,I might be able to tell my grandkids I interviewed the last president of the United States.

The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.

It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.

Hatemongers like Media Matters take innocent statements like mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, and Bill O'Reilly's and make them offensive by posting them on the Internet, allowing the general public to hear words that were meant for people who already agree with us. Hey, Media Matters, you want to end offensive speech? Then stop recording it for people who would be offended.

Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy.

I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.

I imagined myself living in New York in some sort of open, large but sparse studio apartment with a lot of blond wood and a futon on the floor and a bubbling samovar of tea in the background and a big beard - living alone but with my beard - and doing theater. That's what I thought my life would be.

Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.

Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal.

I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.

You have a firm grasp of the obvious.

If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty. People love the president because he's certain of his choices as a leader, even if the facts that back him up don't seem to exist. It's the fact that he's certain that is very appealing to a certain section of the country. I really feel a dichotomy in the American populace. What is important? What you want to be true, or what is true?

We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.

Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.

And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with constitutional rights. I just hope he doesn't do anything rash, like declare that homosexuals are people with constitutional rights.