Stephen Colbert Quotes - Page 4

Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area.

Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.

And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know - these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are.

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.

If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.

I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?

There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.

I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money.

I scream, you scream, we all scream... for the truth.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to make.

If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it enough. Until it becomes true. Or do I need to repeat that for you?

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.

Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?