Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.
And my daughter said, 'Why are you yelling at us?' and I said, 'I'm trying to discipline you!' And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, 'This is how you teach children, by making them cry.' And it was such a clenching reminder - she won not only the argument, but she won life with that statement. I just burst out laughing, and I think they were so surprised that I burst out laughing, that they did too.
Don't cry over spilled milk-- get angry and punch a cow.
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.
There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.
If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.
What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!
Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform.
I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.
Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.
Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.
To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.
Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.
Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding?
If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun
You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back.
The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!
