NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.
First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.
I'd forgotten what an honest sandwich it is. For those of you not familiar, 'BLT' stands for 'bacon, lettuce, and tomato.' A lot of people think the 'B' stands for 'bread,' and I can understand someone not wanting a lettuce and tomato sandwich. But, the bread is implied in the word 'sandwich.' Anyway, it's an American original. Everyone should have a BLT as soon as they can.
They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.
Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.
Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard.
When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike....We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it.
Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all.
Thankfully dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So whatever your dream is right now, if you don't achieve it, you haven't failed and you're not some loser-but just as importantly-if you do get your dream, you're not a winner.
In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.
I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.
I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.
I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies
Football is American; why are the Romans numering our bowls?!
Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
I can't prove it, but I can say it.
If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.
