Stephen Colbert Quotes - Page 6

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.

Cynicism is an enormous problem. I'm actually a hopeful person. But the way to stay hopeful is to acknowledge and to not accept what is absolutely amoral, mentally ill behavior as normal.

To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib.

Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and, before you know it, Jager tainting.

Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.

The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.

When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.

Speak from the balls, not from the diaphram.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'

Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.

Cameras are dangerous. With no waiting period or background check, any whack-job could just stroll into a Wal-Mart and walk out with a semi-automatic. Now, for years I've been pressing for stricter regulations on cameras, especially around our elected officials. Too many political lives have been cut short by some crazed shooter.

The more you know, the sadder you get.

The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.

it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.

Let freedom ka-ching...Corporations do everything people do except breathe, die and go to jail for dumping 1.3 million pounds of PCBs in the Hudson River.

Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.

Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.

It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?

It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.

History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!

As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!