Humor Quotes - Page 103

I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy.

I read the newspaper.

God told me to strike at al Qaeda and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam [Hussein], which I did, and now I am determined to solve the problem in the Middle East. If you help me I will act, and if not, the elections will come and I will have to focus on them.

Australia objects to the mini-skirt not on moral but on economic grounds. Australians are no prudes and the lovely, healthy, sporty Australian girls have no reason to hide their knees and thighs. However, the mini-skirt is disastrous for the wool-trade.

The thing I miss about Air Force One is they don't lose my luggage.

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.

Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

There are more old drunkards than old physicians.