Humor Quotes - Page 104

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

There is nothing like a gleam of humor to reassure you that a fellow human being is ticking inside a strange face.

I decided to stop drinking with creeps. I decided to drink only with friends. I've lost 30 pounds.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

Up to now, America has not been a good milieu for the rise of a mass movement. What starts out here as a mass movement ends up as a racket, a cult, or a corporation.

Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

It never seems to occur to some people, that, like beauty, a sense of humor may sometimes be fatal.

I love the very exposed, humorous, imperfect, never-trying to-pretend-to-be-perfect journey that I have been on in my life.

Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?

We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!

It takes all sorts of people to make the underworld.

A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.

I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.

Mousse was a Labrador retriever, which is a large enthusiastic bulletproof species of dog made entirely from synthetic materials. This is the kind of dog that, if it takes an interest in your personal regions (which of course it does) you cannot fend it off with a blowtorch.

Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.