Humor Quotes - Page 102

I've never seen a game like this. Every game this year has been like this.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

Comedy has ceased to be a challenge to the mental processes. It has become a therapy of relaxation, a kind of tranquilizing drug.

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.

Viagra is a drug, just like cocaine. It can cause you to become addicted.

Think of fear as a 2-year-old child who doesn't want to go grocery shopping with you. Because you must buy groceries, you'll just have to take the two year old with you. Fear is no different. In other words, acknowledge that fear exists but don't let it keep you from doing important tasks.

Gags die, humor doesn't.

What medicines do not heal, the lance will; what the lance does not heal, fire will.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

The weasel under the cocktail cabinet.

Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.

I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs.

Cynicism is humor in ill health.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

I don't want to have a bad influence on anybody, but there's no point in my giving up cigarettes now. I won't die young.

The search for truth can be compared to a cat chasing her tail: frantic in her pursuit, her quarry nevetheless eludes her; despite the fact that all the world can see it's right there, it remains just beyond her reach. It cannot be possessed because, paradoxically, it is already part of her.