Humor Quotes - Page 101

I wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two million dollars.

Humor is the good natured side of a truth.

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.

I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.

If you don't know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route.

We who are liberal and progressive know that the poor are our equals in every sense except that of being equal to us.

I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

Nothing is more apt to deceive us than our own judgment of our work. We derive more benefit from having our faults pointed out by our enemies than from hearing the opinions of friends.

Tis no extravagant arithmetic to say, that for every ten jokes, thou hast got an hundred enemies; and till thou hast gone on, and raised a swarm of wasps about thine ears, and art half stung to death by them, thou wilt never be convinced it is so.

Being seventy has its advantages. I was outspoken before, but now what have I got to keep quiet about?

He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

I'm convinced that it's energy and humor. The two of them combined equal charm.

The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive. The great opportunity is where you are.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

I'm a Christian-libertarian-environmentalist-capitalist-lunatic. It's a humorous way for me to describe that I'm not stereotypical.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

Rich Folkers is throwing 'em up in the bullpen.