Humor Quotes - Page 106

One evening I sat Beauty on my knees – And I found her bitter – And I reviled her.

There seems to me to be absolutely no limit to the inanity and credulity of the human race. Homo Sapiens! Homo idioticus!

There is a foolish corner in the brain of the wisest man.

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.

How fatally the entire want of humor cripples the mind.

Something about the possession of a book - an object that can contain infinite fables, words of wisdom, chronicles of times gone by, humorous anecdotes and divine revelation - endows the reader with the power of creating a story, and the listener with a sense of being present at the moment of creation.

In my opinion, I think sarcasm and humor in a song, without turning it into a novelty song, is really charming.

In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.

Throughout most of my life, I raised tobacco. I want you to know that my own hands, all of my life, I put in the plant beds and transferred it! I hoed it! I've dug in it! I've sprayed it! I've chopped it! I've shredded it, spiked it, put it in the barn and stripped it and sold it!

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor.

He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.

Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed.

One thing my family has shown me is that having a sense of humor is everything.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

Nothing is like it seems, but everything is exactly like it is.

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.

Meanwhile, the minute you put on the dotted line your Sam Hancock - and before a notary - you'll not only get the negative but Elsie makes a wonderful stuffed cabbage which we'll include gratis a few portions but return the jars please.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.