Humor Quotes - Page 108

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.

It's been part of my signature to incorporate my humor with my dance, or even just how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling humorous, which I am, most of the day, I tend to incorporate that. If I'm dancing freestyle, if I feel like I've gotten too serious, while I'm moving, I'll think, "All right, it's time to lighten up a little bit," and I do. It just feels good.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

What else is nature but God?

Fly-fishing may be a very pleasant amusement; but angling or float fishing I can only compare to a stick and a string, with a worm at one end and a fool at the other.

Those who attain any excellence, commonly spend life in one pursuit; for excellence is not often gained upon easier terms.

So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. What! no soap? So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots.

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.