Humor Quotes - Page 109

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

No man with a sense of humor ever founded a religion.

Abstract reason, formerly the servant of practical human reasons, has everywhere become its master, and denies poetry any excuse for existence. Though philosophers like to define poetry as irrational fancy, for us it is practical, humorous, reasonable way of being ourselves. Of never acquiescing in a fraud; of never accepting the secondary-rate in poetry, painting, music, love, friends. Of safeguarding our poetic institutions against the encroachments of mechanized, insensate, inhumane, abstract rationality.

And who are the greater criminals-those who sell the instruments of death, or those who buy them and use them?

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

Children are often the silent victims of drug abuse.

The theoretical broadening which comes from having many humanities subjects on the campus is offset by the general dopiness of the people who study these things.

The first prerequisite of an advanced being is a sense of humor.

The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.

As a person, he was wonderful. He really was a great person. He was full of life. He had a great sense of humor. Very talented, of course, but very caring to his parents. There was a very endearing quality about Elvis.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

This is a free country, madam. We have a right to share your privacy in a public place.

There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.

In the most ordinary terms, egolessness is a flexible identity. It manifests as inquisitiveness , as adaptability, as humor, as playfulness. It is our capacity to relax with not knowing, not figuring everything out, with not being at all sure who we are, or who anyone else is, either.

If some beggar steals a bridle he'll be hung by a man who's stolen a horse.

People will admit to arson and mayhem sooner than no sense of humor.