Humor Quotes - Page 86

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.

Communism is like one big phone company.

Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it.

Humor has been the balm of my life, but it's been reserved for those close to me, not part of the public Lana.

The steady state of disks is full.

If you have to be in a soap opera try not to get the worst role.

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget. . . . he didn't lose your number. . . . he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

Ozzie Smith just made another play that I've never seen anyone else make before, and I've seen him make it more often than anyone else ever has.

If you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president. That would be really cool. The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House, it doesn't look very cozy.

Randy and I were goggle-eyed as we gazed over the wonders of what Walt Disney had wrought. It was a magnificent demonstration of what God could do if He had more imagination.

He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

A bore is a person who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.

It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"